As I Am

This morning I woke to a few thoughts. (I should have gotten the computer right out to start typing, but when I’m snuggled up in a nice warm bed, and my computer is “way over there!” well, what can I say?)

The primary thought was spurred on by acute distress over two friends and their immediate, difficult struggles with illness. Their road is not easy, and it is a road I don’t fully understand, although I am trying. This song was in my heart this morning, and the word HOPE, which is my dear friend’s special word; a touchstone for when everything seems hopeless.

As I pondered her word and the song, an image came to mind, almost as a scene from a movie. An image of a woman walking (perhaps me, perhaps one of my dear friends) side by side with Christ. She is sad and lost. But he is alongside her the whole time. There comes a point when she stops; He reaches for her hand and turns to speak to her. He says, “This is a good place to turn, you have gone far enough. Let’s turn back.” She has a choice to make. Perhaps she chooses to go ahead anyway. I am unsure that she says anything at all, but she walks ahead, shaking her hand loose. Our dear Lord lets her pull away, but He stays by her side, close by, for the time when she will be ready to heed His word. With action, if not with speech, he says to her, “If you go, I will go too. You won’t be alone; I’m here.” He walks close, close enough to touch the moment she reaches out, which she does. In time she stops again, and He says again, “You have gone far enough.” She turns to Him and sees Him. Truly sees Him. He is right by her side, where He has always been, catching up her hands, speaking love and understanding, sweeping her into His arms, becoming at once Abiding Companion, Healing Savior and Loving Father.

I envision the woman turning back, allowing Christ to lead her back to…somewhere. Home, or the path He always intended, I’m not sure. The vision doesn’t follow into the future. It only shows me the now, and the opportunity to turn into Him. There is always the opportunity to turn in. Whether Jason Gray’s words spurred this image or perhaps best illustrate it (with lyrics from the second verse of As I Am) it is a balm to my soul and my heart’s song and meditation.

When I went the way I knew
Would lead me away from You
You followed me there to prove You’ll never leave.
No matter the damage done,
Or how far I try to run,
When I lose my way, You come to carry me back home.

You love me as I am,
Not as I should be,
With a love that conquers shame
Jesus, You are saving me.


4 thoughts on “As I Am”

  1. I cannot express how deeply your words are entering my heart–the image you have been given carries much meaning for me. Thank you for writing, April. May you be blessed in following your heart to put these words in a space where others can reach them.

  2. The vision you conveyed affected me so deeply April. I cannot thankyou enough for sharing your heart through these words and for the message you expressed with the vision you saw. How powerful. My heart was deeply touched and there is so much meaning in this for me as well, especially in terms of the word “lost”…oh how I can identify with that word. The image of God’s hands and the reminder of his presence being so near is such a comfort, and I pray you are blessed for that reassurance through your writing this. Love you dear friend.

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