Trust Issues

I always thought trusting God was primarily for spiritual and emotional things. And whenever it was for physical things, it was for serious stuff. Crisis, illness, basic necessities of life. I didn’t know I felt this way until last week. I thought I thought trusting God meant all the time, for everything. Except that I wasn’t trusting him with my own physical health, as if He couldn’t possibly be interested in whether or not I wanted to finish a silly race, so why should I bother turning over that ITB injury to Him, or the foot injury that reappeared out of the blue?

And that’s when I found out I have trust issues. Oh, I trust Him for lots of things, don’t get me wrong. I do. But…not everything. Because, well, I do hate to be a bother.

Last week, I had a little freak-out. As I said in my previous post, Hubs and I are training for a marathon. (As I sit and type, that race is 27 hours away.) 4 weeks ago, my IT Band flared, out of the blue, and I immediately sought medical help. Good for me, you might say. Yet, I was focused entirely on whether I could run and finish this race. Me, me, me. I started getting better, it’s true, and I began to think that, yeah, I probably could finish. And then, a foot injury that had plagued me over the winter, but which I had thought ‘cured’ flared. OH NO–two injuries. Can I do this? I can’t do this. But I trained so hard, and I don’t want to let down Team Bennett, and…do you see all the ‘I’ in those sentences? Me, me, me, indeed. And I knew.

I couldn’t do it. Not on my own. As I lay trying to sleep late one night, I felt a swift, here-one-moment-gone-the-next warm calm sweep over me. And though it lasted a nano-second, I heard the Holy Spirit reminding me: Isn’t your word this year Trust? How long’s it been since you paid attention to that word? I have a challenge for you. Why don’t you just trust Me with this one?

He had a point. And I had some soul-searching to do. If Trusting God is what I profess, why had I not trusted Him to take care of this? Did I really believe that God doesn’t care about my goals? I mean, I know I’m not winning any prizes for this (though I did pay for a medal and tee-shirt) but it’s something I really want to do. God delights with us when we achieve our goals, and when we glorify Him in all things. Both these things, and they are not mutually exclusive. They ought to go hand in hand!

A few verses, which have come to me steadily over the course of the week from various sources:

I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. -Isaiah 40:31

I shall say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress! My God whom I trust!” -Psalm 91:2
Let it be known that I plan to finish the race, Hubs at my side, in less than 36 hours (I think I did math. hard to know at almost 3 in the AM) But know also that when I do, I am chugging under strength given to me by my Lord, and not under my own. He will take care of me, no matter what. Thanks be to God.
It is late. this is not edited. But in the interest of defying Timidity and Fear, I will hit publish and clean it up later.
Monday morning, 6:40
A little update. We finished, and we finished strong, through hurt and discomfort, close to our goal time. We are proud owners of the title Marathoner, and I thank God for His strength, and for reminders throughout the race that He held us. 
Now, off to previously scheduled appointments with my massage- and physical-therapists. 

9 thoughts on “Trust Issues

  1. This is beautiful, April. It’s also a wonderful reminder that faith should be all encompassing. I trust in God for the big things, too–the overall plan of my life–but I don’t know that I’ve ever thought much about the pieces which make up that life. Whenever something goes right, though, I am grateful, so maybe it’s a start. I’m so happy for you–not only have you worked hard to get where you are, but now you also know you can finish. I’ll be cheering you on tomorrow, but I won’t be the only one!

  2. Hold onto the hackles for a bit.

    You wrote a post all about you and it’s topic was your need to see something larger than you, how ironic. I love irony. Now, remember the warning about the hackles? I’ve your attention. I want it. I want to change your world view for the same reason I needed/made up “new normal”. It is to bring (potentially) a startling change to one’s world view. Lacking an option of a five minute dissertation, I’ll try to keep this short but comprehensible. Please let me know if I fail on any point.

    Ever notice the peace of older devout folks. I assumed it was an inner peace as a youth. I assumed they were past the petty ways of the younger adults I saw. I figured they had “made their peace” as the saying goes. Then I got older. I went into a world where about half the folks met their maker by 40 and I went into the worst part of that world. I (literally) assumed I wouldn’t see 40 but might, with luck, see 30. That causes a bit of a realization. It caused me to ponder life, death and the peace I’d seen amongst those around me as I grew up.

    Reality hit me, my eyes opened. I knew that I riding another’s rock for only as long as they wanted me to. I might not come back or part of me might come back. I might die in a crash heading out or die on the road at home. Heck, I might fall, hit my noggin and die in the tub! But, above all it wasn’t my call. From this came my statement that “You can’t give me anything God doesn’t want me to have and you can’t take anything He wants me to have.” and I try hard to live that belief. It explained the peace in others older and wiser. Their realization had come from the passing of time and kin. They knew the ending and, in many ways, were at peace. It really was that simple! They applied that knowledge to their lives.

    With this knowledge, I see the world differently now. As the kid knows, I/we never ask in prayer. My deal with her is simple. “You may ask when you are done thanking.” I want her to see the peace and the blessings without focus on the distractions of you-know-who. When asking we are presuming we know best. He created us and the rock we ride didn’t he? What are the odds against us knowing best?

    But this leaves us with the application to your situation. I hope you are better, I hope you run, I hope you snatched the brass ring that you (as a couple) have worked so hard for. But I will NOT pray for such a thing. It is only my desire. Maybe God sees you in a wreck enroute and is trying to stop you. Maybe he knows of your neighbor’s house fire during the event. Maybe he knows of your undiagnosed heart condition. He knows so much more than I do. BUT, I will pray for you. Just did actually. It was a prayer of thanks for his guidance to you, his support of you, your husband and your time together on this journey. It also was a thanks for your recent realizations and reminders. Hopefully, in hindsight, the best path will have been there for you.

    Sorry for writing a book. Feel free to let me have it if need be.

    • Thank you, C, for your thoughts. I do appreciate them, and can even agree. Thanks also for your prayers. We made it to columbus without incident, and will run as far and as fast as may be. 🙂 I desire for 26.2 miles, but will accede to God’s greater plan for us. 🙂

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